Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
