It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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