i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
