It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
