were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
