the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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