Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
