Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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