every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
