i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so let's talk penis.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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