Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
