my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
