Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
