happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
