ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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