they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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