and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
