Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
