The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
