So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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