two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
