I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
