dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
