you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
