Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
