My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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