why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wish there were birth control emojis
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
