using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
