screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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