omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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