College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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