sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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