dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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