Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
