I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
