Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
