I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
