im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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