Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
