there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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