first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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