you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
