Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
