I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the day after is always just damage control
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
