I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need a burrito and a hug.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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