I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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