My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
