I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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