I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
