I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
